Truthfully…the days have been passing quickly, but time seems still. It’s weird. I have been re-introducing myself to music therapy. At least, that is what I call it. I feel as if I stepped outside myself a long time ago, and while I walk through each day…there was part of me left way back there…and I am trying to spend a lot of time re-acquainting myself with that girl again.

I have picked up my guitar on a consistent basis for the first time in five years. I am having to relearn how to play…I am building up those calluses on my fingers again. I feel like a baby player. My fingers ache and hurt and sometimes almost bleed from the strings…but I know the pain will subside soon enough and it will feel like second nature again. I need the second nature feeling back in order to write again. And this, is my ultimate goal.

I have spent time reading, writing (for myself), and spending time with the part of me that I never realized I left so long ago. It’s sobering when you realize how much time has passed. How things have changed. How I have changed…and yes, even that part of me…that girl I left a long time ago…she has changed a bit too. It feels good to have her back, but I know that I also must get to know her again. There is so much hidden..so much hurt from being left…and it will be quite the task to reconcile that girl with the other parts of me that did move on and walk through each day and change without her.

So..that being said…I feel as if this blog will  be shifting towards the “Living Life” part rather than the “Food” part…and I was tempted at first to change the name of it…but being that I can’t do that with out MUCH difficulty due to the web address…I will leave it the same for now. If I decide to combine all my posts into one blog (as I have a couple of old ones as well) I will try to title it accordingly and move all the posts over for an archive of some sort. I am sure you will still continue to see posts here and there about food, being that it is such a HUGE part of my life…of everyone’s life really…but I may be focusing more on the internal parts of life. The things I learn, the things I see, experience, and as scary as it is…the things I feel.

Winds of change are blowing my direction…and it’s scary, and exciting, and really really scary. Tears will fall. Hearts will break. Scars will surface. Exhaustion will set it. I will give up. And then…growth.

The other night I was reading Hebrews chapter 4. Hebrews is a fairly popular book if you grew up in church like I did, so I have read it a hundred times or more. I recently bought a new bible so as to read everything fresh, without all the notes and underlines and pages falling out of my other ones. Anyway, apparently they updated the New Living Translation in July 2004. (I have no idea why, but I actually read the first page after the table of contents that says “A Note to Readers.” – this is how I found out about the update). My last NLT bible was the 1996 version. So, this one is a bit different. Some of it bothers me. Actually maybe that began with the horrible typo that was included in “A Note to Readers” – things like that mess me up inside. Typos in your holy bible. I mean – if they are gonna honk up a simple elementary school level letter to readers, how do you know the rest isn’t honked up…you know what I mean?

Hebrews 4:16. This is a fairly popular verse in the circles I used to run in.
“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. there we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”
For some reason, it sorta stuck out in my mind this time. The word “boldly.”
Who, in their right mind, will show up boldly to God’s throne and ask for mercy…like they deserve it? Like I deserve it? I took out the dictionary (okay, actually I used the dictionary app on my iphone) and looked up the word bold. Here is what I found.

BOLD:
1. not hesitating or fearful in the face of actual or possible danger or rebuff; courageous and daring
2. not hesitating to break the rules of propriety; forward; impudent
3. Necessitating courage and daring; challenging
4. beyond the usual limits of conventional thought or action; imaginative:
5. Striking or conspicuous to the eye; flashy; showy;
6. Steep; abrupt
and so on..

I struggle with this. It says to come boldly to the throne of our gracious God, but scripture also teaches humility, repentance…and the like. When I think of repentance, I think of brokenness, of regret, remorse; Not BOLD, Courageous, without hesitation,  or daring.

Things like this make me question interpretation as a whole. Not because I believe it is necessarily flat out wrong, but because I wonder if the author truly meant something different. Something our language doesn’t translate into powerful meaning, or any meaning at all.

I remember when I was a young teenager, still attending the church I grew up in, sitting in my youth pastors office going over this same issue. About how it seemed everything was up for interpretation. I remember telling him “I don’t care what I think, what you think, or what someone else thinks about it…all I really want is the truth.” The fact of what was supposed to be conveyed.  Sometimes when I read scripture, I wonder if we are all playing one big huge global game of “telephone.” Someone starts with a simple sentence or phrase, “Jonny is wearing blue socks,” and passes this message on to the next person and the next and the next and eventually someone says “Suzie has long new locks!” And to be honest, it’s usually not even that close!

I guess it will always be this way. I will always be reading someone else’s interpretation of the bible. Hoping they got it right. Hoping there were no ulterior motives in the translation process, all the while wondering, questioning and yes, sometimes even doubting.

I just got done playing with Garage Band and have just realized that I can create my own podcasts!! What the what!?!? My own podcast! Doesn’t that sound like the funnest thing ever. SO…I cranked out a test podcast and it was MUCH harder than I thought. Just to keep a stream of words coming out of my mouth with no plan is quite horrendous.

SO..my new goal is to produce a 15-20 minute podcast, for no other reason than the fact that I am unemployed. This will surely show the world how much value I can add to a company, or it may prove how truly unemployable I really am. Either way…SOUNDS FREAKIN GREAT!!

Now…what to podcast about. I must admit, it is a bit awkward sitting alone in my home office talking to no one and nothing. The dogs are all on the bed behind my desk (okay so my office is also a bedroom) looking at me as if I have truly gone insane. How’s that for boosting the self-esteem. I think when the pups think you’re crazy it’s time to re-evaluate your situation.  But I will get to the re-evaluating AFTER I publish my first (and possibly only) podcast.

Anyway…if anyone reads this and has any topics of “discussion” for the podcast let me know. Otherwise, I could just be talking about the fact that I am feeling stupid sitting in a room all alone talking into my computer.

until the next time…

If anything, it has made me realize that I should be doing this A LOT moving forward if I plan on making it as a pilgrim on the Camino de Santiago this fall. The camino will require roughly eight hours of walking a day, and unfortunately, it’s not exactly flat! The first few stages will be through the Pyrenees mountains. SCARY!!

 Anyway, here are some of my favorite pictures from the day.

And here are some more (click the pic to see a larger view)

I seemed to have forgotten how fun it was to take pictures. Sorry if I caused any of you any sensory over-load. I am usually more of a word-gal. Today, it seems, not so much.

until the next time…

Anyway – just wanted to share that. I suppose since this blog is also about food, I will show you what I made for dinner last night!

It was a pasta with a light cream sauce, broccoli, mushrooms, carrots, squash with a side ceasar salad and some garlic naan bread. YUM!

oh, and don’t worry, I did have a nice glass of red wine to go along!

I did really well with calorie intake and burn last week but somehow managed to gain weight. Sundays weigh-in revealed a weight of 185.8lbs. I am going to give myself one more week in seeing results as I’m going to blame last weeks gain on “the time of the month.”

I hope by next Sunday I see some positive results or I will be sorely discouraged. I will admit, I have blown it today, however. I have eaten some really unhealthy things. Pop tarts for one. Tortilla chips, nachos for dinner, washed down with a prickly pear mojito and followed by a caramel chocolate brownie with ice cream. I’m miserable now. So full and yucky feeling. I will also blame this days nutritional short-comings on the “time of the month” as well.

Tuesdays were created for do-overs anyway right?

So – tomorrow will start with a light healthy breakfast, followed by a workout, a snack and a day of movement and calorie burning!!

I will keep everyone posted on my progress. (as if you all care!!)

Here’s to Tuesdays!!!

1 orange, 2 satsuma and 2 small apples later…I’m in love!!!

Juicy!!

Fit in Body, Mind & Spirit.

Today. The first day of a new decade. I feel as though i should have done some better planning. I want to have a mission statement for this year. But, I dont think i knew that until just now. And, being that it’s 8:53pm and I am in my pajamas and laying in bed with three spoiled rotten dogs, I believe that won’t get written tonight. So…here are tonight goals:

1: write a purposeful mission statement within the next 7 days. Due Jan 7.

I have never written one, thus I am giving myself a full week.

2: I also want a list of realistic albeit challenging goals to be completed by the years end. Not resolutions, per se, but goals. This list will be a bit more flexible as I will be able to add and modify the list throughout the year. This initial list is also to be completed with in 7 days.

3: I would like to have a 1,2 and 5 year plan in writing. I have never truly had one of these either and but I feel as if this may help me get that sense of direction in my life that I have never truly had, and therefore, quite possibly my life may begin to head somewhere.

So….there it is. Tonight goals and a short introduction for the days and months to come.

I wish all those reading this a blessed 2010!!